The first thing I learned in the dating world was that people can disappear. And then I learned it has a name: Ghosting.
It is easy to connect and meet new people these days, but it is also very easy to disappear and avoid any further communication. Ghosting became a norm and is being used very freely. It is just easy to swipe left after a few days of chat when you think that the other person said something that you don’t like and you cannot live with it. Instead of clarifying of what just happened, as a text can sometimes go wrong, or just saying: “Thank you, but I don’t think there is a match.” Left swipe and you are done – no need to type an apology or an explanation.
Yes, there must be something good in it as well, right? There is something good in everything. Let’s try this: the fact that you don’t need to explain makes you powerful and invisible – maybe less vulnerable one would say? This all might be somehow true when you are still on the online dating site and no face to face connection was made yet.
What happens if you have seen each other a few times already and she does not answer your text messages – you already sent two and left a voice message? “Maybe something happened to him,” you think to yourself, and keep waiting for him to answer a week later.
I find it very not mature and as a person insulting. If you don’t think that this is a match, why won’t you say so? We are all adults and as such should be able to communicate clearly. This, by the way, can bring both sides to a great discussion. I once said to a man after a date, that I don’t think it will work out. He was intelligent and confident enough to turn around to me and ask: Why? He really wanted to know. I explained to him that I don’t think that we have much to talk about as he was a very quiet person. What he said at that moment got me to take a step back – it was his first date after he lost his wife a year ago and he was nervous. He didn’t share this info before and a real discussion started from that moment.
If this was not bad enough, we now have Ghosting 2.0 – someone who ghosted you for a long time, suddenly appears in your life again. A text, a Like on FB, as you are still friends there, right? The amazing thing in all of that? The ghosting person acts like nothing ever happened. No apologies, no explanations for all that time they vanished – they are just back into your life.
All of this, of course, happens not only in the dating scene – but when it comes to dating it touches different nerves.
“What did I say wrong? Did I do something wrong? Why does it always happen to me?”
Well, let’s start by saying that it does not happen only to you, the dating world and especially the online dating part of it adopted these awful not mature or respectful behaviors and when dating in a wiser age, after a long relationship, it is very confusing and disheartening.
The millennials identify few more behaviors as the Toxic New Dating Trends of 2019. I found it interesting and can relate to some new trends mentioned there.
So, how to deal with it?
Here is how I feel about it: it is not ok to play with your mind, time and feelings and the best thing will be to identify it and stop it asap.
I had very strict rules when it came to ghosting. I made sure to give the other side a grace period, there might be a good reason for why you didn’t answer my text messages, FB message and voice mail that I left to make sure you are ok.
At this point I would unfriend the person from my FB account and if needed also block the number on my phone. I had no interest to have people like these in my life.
Make sure that the people in your life are there for you as you are there for them. It is a relationship and not a highway ride.
Cheers, I hope you are having a great day,
Renata
