Completely; yes; very much are the answers from 95% of the
people, when you ask them about online dating.
Some of the people drop online dating and choose to go
organically. I have to admit that this always makes me smile… Sounds like going
Vegan. I tell them that at home I’m Vegan but outside of the house I eat
whatever I want – food is not a religion for me. Why can’t it be the same in
dating? Online dating is just another way, option, to get to what you want –
you can have it all. If it is a life partner, a causal relationship or you name
your combination, there is more than one way to get there.
I agree online dating can be very hard, but I also think
that many people take it too seriously too soon in the game. It is all about
your attitude.
What do I mean?
Beth is looking to start a family. She is in her late
twenties and every date is a promise for a future husband and a father for her
dream kids. Yep, very high expectations and she is just texing. Beth, before
every date, gets anxious and loses her cool vibe. Beth is online dating for the
last three years and doesn’t understand why it is not working for her.
There are a few ways to make online dating a fun experience
without getting upset or depressed.
You started texting and then it is a fun conversation? The
person on the other side seems interesting and you would like to know more?
There is nothing like a face to face meeting to see where it goes – and it
should happen quickly. For those who are looking for rules: three to four days
of texting are more than enough. Go out and meet – what’s the worst thing that
can happen?
I mentioned “Too Seriously” – for example, somebody ghosted
you after a few days of great texting. It hurts a little, but… wait! They don’t
really know you and you don’t really know them. So don’t take it so seriously
and go and listen to “Thank you next.“
Shopping lists vs. Values. Open your mind and your dating profile
to different people. You can never know who will you meet. At the same time,
make sure your values are clear. Values are specific beliefs about what is
important and unimportant, good and bad, right and wrong
Example, I believe
that it is wrong for a man, in his early fifties, not to have a steady job and
live in his parents’ mother in law unit, while saving money for his next
tattoo. I know, my values are weird.
Once I allowed myself to open my mind, identify and stick to
my values but not to my shopping list, I met some interesting people. The
truth, first glance in their online profile picture did not spark much of an
interest and they didn’t look visually “my type,” but meeting them face to face
and walking around Greenlane together, suddenly presented them in a different
light. I enjoyed a lovely time and with a few of them also an LTR.
Give a brownie point to someone who took the time and filled
out their profile information and their pictures are up to date. A blank
profile says something about the person behind it – serious it is not.
And last but not least – if you open up your app and what
comes to your mind is: “Oy Vey” you might need some time off from online
dating. Go do things you love, new things you never did before, join a meetup
of fun people that share the same interests that you do – try go organically,
put yourself out there physically.
One thing to remember – online dating is like a
bazaar. Things change all the time and people come and go from different
reasons. Make sure you find the app that works for you and you feel comfortable
with – Tinder vs. Bumble for example. Some apps do not let you write a long
profile and others do. My favorite app, OK Cupid, also asks you a ton of
questions. Try and see what works better for you and remember all the time:
don’t take it seriously. Go out and have fun first of all.
Last week, after one of the storytelling shows I performed
in, I stood next to a table presenting Around
Seattle in 80 Dates, when a woman approached me. The name of the show by
the way was: Bad Date
Storytelling.
I never met this woman before but she was very determined to
let me know what she thought about my performance, “You are Amazing, but this
is not for me,” Kate said.
“What exactly is not for you,” I asked her. Kate was in her
late 40’s – the smart type, never married. She had a nice smile and round
glasses. Kate explained to me, that she wants to find her life partner
organically. Why did I think about a carrot right away? I don’t know.
By Dating Organically Kate meant that she wants to be lucky
and find her prince by accident. I asked her if fender bender counts.
She didn’t smile. Kate loves to read books and her organic story sounded like
that: Kate used to visit a local book store next to her rented room in downtown
Seattle. One day, this handsomest dark man will walk into the store. He will
see her and immediately approach her. They will start talking about books and will
find out they have the same taste in books, music and so much more.
Kate kept talking for a few more minutes, but my mind was
already in a different place – Dating Organically? I heard about it but it
never happened to me. Every time I meet a couple, I ask them how they met. When
I meet couples that met organically, not online and not a set date, I hug them
and say: You are Soooooo Lucky. And by luck, I mean: you were in the right
place on the right time with the same needs. And then I think to myself: how
rare is that!?
Reading the post AU
NATURALE: WHY MEETING SOMEONE ORGANICALLY IS THE BEST WAY made me want to
do the same to the writer of the post – hug the author. By the way, the person
that wrote the post does not sound very lucky or reports any success with their
decision to date organically.
There are options out there,
one that I love is meetup.com. Find a group that you are interested in their
meetings and join. This handsomest guy/amazing woman just might be there as
well, or not.
Going organically sounds
great and very romantic but not a practical solution in my eyes. It is for sure
an option, but I would still use the online options that are in place.
True, many first dates are
not followed by second dates and I think that this is just fine. The idea that your
prince is the next date and both of you will figure it out in an hour is a
beautiful and romantic idea, which I remember I had when I was in my early twenties.
But hey, I am not anymore and there are some benefits in being in your early 50’s.
I feel wiser.
If you are an English
speaker, I bet you heard the phrase “Mazal Tov” – which literally
means, good luck. Mazal Tov is a greeting used by Jews all over the world and
became part of the English language. The phrase is in Hebrew, The word “MAZAL” in
Hebrew means “Luck” in English.
The Kabballah talks about
the fact that MAZAL is an acronym for:
M = In Hebrew – Makom; In English
= Place
Z = In Hebrew – Zman; In English
= Time
L = In Hebrew stands for Limud;
In English = Study, experience, what you have learned and made you who you are today.
So, to be lucky in life,
according to the Kabballah, you have to be in the Right Place, in the Right Time
with the Real you – that is who you are in life today thanks to everything you
went through, college, relationships, life – you are a total of your experience.
You need to be out there so you can get lucky. You know what I mean.
Organically meeting people
is nice, but might be a complete waste of time. Also – limitation people!!! Not
at work and not with your best friend’s ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend, unless you
want an ex-best boyfriend/ girlfriend. Just saying.
Go build a great profile,
take a few good pictures WITHOUT A FILTER, and write 15 lines about yourself
and what interests you in life. KISS – Keep It Simple Sweetheart.
Leave something to talk about
and just enjoy the ride! It might not be your next partner but you just might
meet a fun person and discover the best martini in town! Attitude, attitude, attitude.
Cheers, and I hope you do
choose to enjoy the ride. All the rest comes organically.
To all of you who were expecting Renata’s blog this week-
this is Mike#80! Yes, I am the lucky guy, who eventually won her heart. Renata
asked me to fill in for her this time and write our lives from my perspective,
to show a male perspective and come up with a subject I want to share with her
readers. Well, at our book tour there is always this question I am being asked…
The readers of
“Around Seattle in 80 Dates” want to know how does a man and husband feel when
reading or hearing stories about his wife’s former boyfriends…
It is a very good
question- how do I actually feel about it? As a regular red-blooded American
man, my first reaction is of jealousy. It is not easy to imagine my wife with
someone else and of course my mind is running in overdrive imagining all the
details, comparing myself to all those interesting guys. After all I’m not in
charge of some major security, nor am I a former Marine general… And yes, there
were also sexy details in the book, hot dates. Difficult to measure up when a
daily life takes its toll and I am 55+! Even this + is slowly turning into ++…
So yes, it is not easy to be married to a gorgeous woman who was and still is
very popular, outgoing, sexy, who does have an impact on many men we run
into. It is a familiar occurrence, when
we go out, that guys stop, talk to her, hug her. Once, we were at a popular
Seattle club, a guy approached us, kneed in front of me and commenced to kiss
my hand congratulating me for being married to this extraordinary woman! Mixed feelings
to say at least…
How do I handle it
as a man and husband? Well I have two choices: I can succumb to my jealousy, be
insecure about it and suggest to Renata to step back. Knowing her she would.
Our marriage and I are very important to her and she would not have a problem
to oblige me. But then, what is my role as a husband, man and lover? Is it just
the protection of my feelings or is it also to make sure that the woman of my
life is happy and fulfilled and what is the emotional cost of such an action? I
believe what it really boils down to is how comfortable are you in your
marriage and also, how comfortable are you in your own skin… If you are comfortable and trustful enough,
then, I suggest, you step back and enjoy the ride and let the woman of your
life be herself.
It is important
for me to realize, that it is me Renata choose from her 80 dates and it is me
she wants to share her life with. Such
realization really changed a lot in my life. Now I really can have a lot of fun
going out and seeing her popularity with people! I can also see how happy she
is being able to be herself, to go out and just have fun. This threat of her
character was, after all, one of the main reasons I choose her over other
women. There is also an additional benefit to letting Renata be Renata- after a
fun night out with friends we go home together…
It all started a little more than a year ago, Feb 2018 when Around Seattle in 80 Dates was published and my story became public.
A lot of people around me were involved in my life when I was living the stories. When I finally published the book many of them were surprised. I met a lot of people that had good stories and many of them declared on a regular basis, that “one day they will write a book”. They just “have to” and they are planning to. But it is hard to start – and finish.
When I was laid off from a company that I was employed with for fifteen years Mike #80 said: “That’s it, the universe is telling you something.” I had a bitter smile on my face when he said it. A lot of dreams were crashed the day I was laid off.
At that point in time, I was about to relocate to India for three
years and Mike #80 agreed to join me. This meant that he had to quit a job that
he loved very much and take the risk of relocating to a country that his professional
future is not clear. India is not the best place for a blood bank technologist.
But we were in love, living in India was a dream that we both had before we met
and we decided that this is our chance. What will be will be – we are doing it.
Being laid off and losing the relocation dream was not an
easy pill to swallow. The universe could have been nicer to me and my bank
account. I still had to pay a mortgage.
“The universe is giving you the time to finish your book,”
said Mike #80. Mike loved the stories I told him and kept saying that I should
share them with more people – “so they can learn” he said. Everybody around us
was online dating and we were a couple that ‘made it!’ We met online and our
life changed.
Mike is a smart man, so I decided he is right – this is my
chance to finish the book that I’m talking about for a year now.
Between job hunts, which is a full job by itself, I managed
to sit down and write. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. The writing was natural
and kept flowing. Mike used to come home, sit down and read what I wrote that
day – he was and is the first person to read anything that I write and I take
his feedback very seriously.
February 2018 – we were on a cruise to Havana when the book was
finally published – which means it was available on Amazon. And then things started
to happen. Standup comedy shows, storytelling events, meetups for singles all
over Great Seattle, authors’ events, interviews, articles, and podcasts.
Do you think it was tough to write the book? You are right.
It was hard, stimulating and emotionally challenging. I wanted to get through
with a clear message to the people out there about dating: “You can do things
differently and enjoy them. It works!” I also wanted to share stories with my
own voice and have people enjoy reading a good book. And the feedbacks were
amazing.
When I was approached by Stroum Jewish Community Center on Mercer Island I could not believe my good luck. I was offered a time slot, as part of the amazing and diverse shows that JCC is hosting.
Me? My own show? Where people pay money to see me? That was a crazy and tempting idea. I love challenges and this was a huge one – plan and execute a one-woman show all by myself. Oh, and then make sure that enough people are interested to come to see it and pay for a ticket.
Last Sunday – April 28th – is where a new achievement
was made.
The show was SOLD OUT almost a week in advance!
I took the One Woman show and created a family show. My daughter and her soon to be wife started the event by playing and singing their own version to: “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” I continued with a short standup act that I wrote and from there we followed with an interview led by Paul Currington. Paul is a dear friend and also one of the major contributors to the storytelling world in Seattle. We met when I told my first story – 5 years ago – in his very successful storytelling meetup, Fresh Ground Stories – not less than a hundred people in each event, amazing crowd and all true stories. Love this man.
The fact that Mike #80 joined the final discussion and shared
his own experience with the audience was the best way to end the show – I could
not ask for more. Nobody wanted to go home, and two hours later we were kicked
out of the room. Sigh. It was a wonderful event.
As I said – I will
never forget April 28th, 2019. I shared one of my best moments in
life on the same stage with the people who are my family and friends. They all provided
their voice and together created a unique and interesting show that everybody
in the room was fascinated and involved. I loved it!
I know, what’s next you are asking… what’s the next mountain
you are going to climb?
I can only promise you that I’m working on a few new ideas and the most important one is a Screen Play! Around Seattle in 80 Dates should be on TV – this is how I feel.
Passover is a big thing for Jews. Lots of cleaning involved
and new rules for a week, such as no leaven or food mixed with leaven – things like
pasta, bread, legumes and beer are a big No No. The house has to be cleaned
from any trace of leaven – it is this time of the year when you really clean
your place – Judaism is a very practical religion. You start your spring literally
clean.
During Passover dinner it is a tradition to read the story
of when the Israelis left Egypt, according to the old testimonial – Haggadah. It
is a fascinating story and it is all about making sure people remember and not
forget their history and where they came from – tradition. It is also about
sitting as a family and friends next to a table full of food and wine. An interesting
fact: four glasses of wine are a must and are part of reading the Haggadah. I
know, I told you, Judaism is a very practical religion. I usually summarize Jewish
holidays in one sentence: “They wanted to kill us, they didn’t succeed, so we
eat!”
I was raised in a very non-religion family. I was a year and
a half old when my parents were kicked out of their jobs and life in Poland and
decided to move to Israel – 1968 following 1967 Six Days war in Israel.
My parents had a choice to move to the States, or Canada or other
places in the world, but they chose to start a new life in Israel, with two
girls and later on a third girl. Funny fact – the three of us are moms to girls
only. We are 11 women in our small family.
I remember Passover tables as a feast of Polish food, this
kind of food that you never have during regular week days.
Passover was different – all the food that we all craved for
during the year, was there on the table. It was all home made and from scratch.
From a stuffed carp fish, a matzah ball chicken soup, three kind of salads, a
beef stew, a chicken dish and four different side dishes. Desserts where never
the highlights of my mom’s cooking, and Passover kosher dietary rule made it
even worse, so we had a “Kompot”
– cold fruits’’ soup. Don’t ask.
Our house was a very
non-kosher house, but on Passovers we agreed that we follow the “no leaven or
food mixed with leaven” rule as a minimum, during the Passover dinner it is.
More than that you could not ask from my father, who was against anything that
had a smell of religion.
As my father refused to follow the tradition of reading the Haggadah,
Passover nights where a night of a pure family gathering, where we saw relatives
that we did not see for a long time and suddenly we got to see all of them
together in one room for four hours. How fun, not.
I was the middle child and as 13 years old, my mother made
sure to keep me busy all the time – cleaning the plates, bringing new dishes,
pouring water or taking care of my younger sister who was too young to help. My
older sister was in her mandatory army service, Israeli Defense Army, so SHE
needed to rest.
That specific Passover night was special – my mom’s mom
moved from Poland to Israel – eleven years after we moved. It was her first
Passover ever and my mom wanted everybody celebrating together in our place as she
was the eldest sister.
The “new grandma,” new as I last met her when I was a year and a half, was already dating a man in the nursing home she moved to when she arrived from Poland, six months ago. My grandma was 77 and he was 71 and she was doing anything she could to make sure he becomes her man. There was a fierce competition on men in the retirement home.
Some of the people who were sitting next to table put a Kippah on their head, as it is
tradition when reading from the Haggadah. My father refused to do the same.
They also brought with them their own copies of the Haggadah to read from and
my father refused to take part of it. I gladly took a copy and made sure I sit
next to them to hear the reading. It was a crowded table, 12 people in a small
condo.
My uncle, my mom’s brother, brought the Haggadah copies, and
was now trying to start the reading while my father continued other discussions
that had nothing to do with the holiday.
I was fascinated. I learned all about it in school and heard
about it from other kids at class, but I never had the experience in my own
household. Weird but true. I always hoped nobody will ask me “How did the Seder
go?” so I will not have to lie. I couldn’t say that we didn’t do the reading.
But still – a table full of Jewish people who are reading a story
about Egyptian Jews and eating Polish food to remember them? It sounded like a
joke. I thought it was hilarious and was waiting for the fun.
My uncle was very serious about the reading and knew what he
was doing. His family was there as well, a wife and two young kids. It looked
like they did it before and are enjoying every minute. This was the first time
we celebrated the holiday together and I knew why – my father never agreed to go
to their place and follow tradition and they didn’t want to come to our place
as no tradition was followed.
New grandma kept piling food on her future husband’s plate,
making sure he eats all the time. The way to a man’s heart is his stomach, or
something like that, right? And boy, he had a stomach. In one point I heard him
asking her if he can have a beer with his food. He was not into wine and the
promise to have four glasses of wine during the evening was not as tempting as having
a cold beer with the dry matzah that were the bread replacement for the night.
My new grandma didn’t hesitate for a second, and off she went
the kitchen, opening the refrigerator where she knew she can find a bottle of a
local beer. My father liked his Fridays’ beer and of course in our household
cleaning the place from any “leaven food products” was not something that was
followed.
At the same time that the beer bottle was getting ready to arrive
the table, I saw my mother putting a beautiful dish in front of my uncle and
father. It was a huge plate of mushrooms that were stuffed with ground beef,
rolled in bread crumbs and fried to perfection. Our small family all loved this
dish and I was suddenly drooling. My uncle took couple of mushrooms and so did my
father, with a very weird smile on his face.
And then it hit me – the bread crumbs. The stuffed mushrooms
were covered with breadcrumbs!
Want to Read more? You will have to wait… To Cont… Tomorrow)
